#B001 - How to be Confident by James Smith
- Connor Davies-Beare
- Feb 5
- 7 min read
Updated: Mar 24
Rating: 68/100: 3.5 stars (C+ tier)
Brief summary
"How to Be Confident" provides a solid starting point for anyone looking to improve their self-belief, but it doesn't dive as deep as I’d hoped. The book is relatable and easy to read, with a mix of mindset shifts and practical advice. However, much of it felt like a repackaging of common self-help principles rather than a fresh perspective. It also tends to be quite repetitive, with the same ideas resurfacing throughout the chapters. Overall, it is a good pick for beginners, but if you've already explored confidence-building, you might not find much new here.
Introduction
For the first book club article, I chose How to Be Confident by James Smith, as it’s actually the first book I bought myself in the self-development space. The journey to this book starts with a last-minute invite from my cousin to attend one of James Smith’s events in Cardiff. He has a spare ticket, and although I don’t know much about him at the time, I go along. That event turned out to be a pivotal moment, sparking my interest in self-development. Picking up this book afterwards felt like a natural next step, and now, reviewing it for the first time feels like coming full circle in my journey.
How to Be Confident by James Smith is all about getting past the mental blocks that hold us back and learning how to build real, lasting confidence. Smith keeps it practical, sharing straightforward advice and strategies to help you face your insecurities and start acting with more self-assurance. It's less about quick fixes and more about taking real steps to shift how you think and show up in the world.
Key Themes
Below are the main points I have taken away from the book.
Confidence & Growth:
Confidence is more about handling failure than achieving success. Actively seeking challenges where you might fail helps you learn faster. If you're not making mistakes, you're not pushing yourself hard enough.
Courage is essential at the start—confidence follows naturally as you gain experience and achievements. As Tim Ferriss says, “Someday, is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave."
Clarity is often more valuable than confidence. You don’t always need confidence to make big decisions, like leaving a job; instead, lean on your values. Once you know what aligns with your values, confidence becomes irrelevant because you know the decision sits right with you.
Fear and imposter syndrome:
Imposter syndrome is a sign of growth. Feeling uncomfortable means you're pushing your limits—embrace it.
Losing and being defeated are not the same—losing teaches lessons, but true defeat only happens when you give up.
Fear is linked to lack of exposure. Public speaking feels scarier than crossing the road, even though the latter is riskier—simply because we do it less.
We suffer more in imagination than in reality (Seneca). We anticipate worst-case scenarios, experiencing them mentally before they even happen (they rarely do). This compounds fear and makes obstacles seem bigger than they are.
Most people are far too busy living their own lives to worry about yours.
Action vs inaction:
"The lessons we need are often in the tasks we are avoiding." (Lucy Lord).
No response is still a response.
Zeigarnik Effect: Unfinished tasks create mental tension. Taking action—even small steps—closes loops and relieves stress. Delaying a task, like asking for a raise, drains energy. Action, even a failed attempt, frees up mental space and helps you move forward.
Adjusting the Goalposts: Break big tasks into smaller, achievable steps. This reduces pressure, builds momentum, and allows you to feel progress daily. Instead of focusing solely on a big goal, celebrate each small milestone to stay motivated and close mental loops. This incremental approach not only adjusts goalposts, but also gets the ball rolling, turning inaction into action.
Personal development, identity and our relationships:
Stop labelling yourself. You’re not a shy person—you’ve just behaved shyly in the past. Identity is fluid, and change is always an option.
Lean on your values when seeking motivation or making decisions. They act as a shield—if you make mistakes while staying true to them, you’ll have no regrets.
You can’t control how others react, only how you respond. Prioritise making yourself proud.
We are often caught by the sunk cost fallacy in friendships. A childhood best friend may have been the perfect fit at the time, but people grow in different directions. Lifelong friendships don’t have to mean daily involvement.
Tall poppy syndrome: Instead of admiring and learning from successful people, some choose to tear them down out of envy to maintain a sense of equality. Avoid this mindset—focus on studying their growth rather than resenting it.
Values evolve. Choosing a lifelong career path at 15 is flawed thinking—your priorities at 25 might be completely different. Don’t cling to outdated goals.
Compare yourself only to your past self, not to others. Progress is personal.
"What you are not changing, you are choosing." (Ally, Don't Trip).
Personal reflection: How I'm applying what I've learnt
Topic | Self-reflection | Practical approach |
Confidence through competence | My confidence comes from being good at something. If I lack proof of ability, my confidence is zero. | Accept that confidence follows action. At the start, rely on courage to push through until achievements build confidence. |
Imposter syndrome & performance | I struggle with imposter syndrome when I am in the lower half of a group in terms of ability. | Don’t try to eliminate imposter syndrome—use it as a growth signal. Feeling like an imposter means you have put yourself in a place of progress. |
Negativity bias | I naturally give negative outcomes more weight than their positive counterparts. | Apply a fair test—weigh both sides equally before reassessing. |
Self-serving bias (or lack of it) | According to James, while many people take credit for success and blame external factors for failure, I do the opposite—crediting others when I succeed and blaming myself when I fail. | Acknowledge the pattern and practice accepting credit where it’s due. Balance self-blame with self-acknowledgment. |
Escalation of commitment | I struggle with walking away from unfinished tasks, possibly due to the Zeigarnik effect. Open loops bother me until they’re closed, even if they don't need to be done (e.g., watching a shitty film to the end). | Challenge myself to walk away from things that no longer serve me. Set boundaries and practice letting go when needed. |
Declinism | I often romanticise the past and view the present or future negatively. | Remind myself that the best days are ahead. The mind filters out past struggles, leaving only the highlights. |
Alcohol & values | Many people quit drinking because it clashes with their values. I now drink less as it conflicts with my focus on productivity, activity, and self-improvement but I do enjoy the connection you can have over a beer. | When invited for beers, assess whether it’s for genuine social connection or just a quick hit of pleasure disguised as being a good friend. |
Actionable challenges for real growth
The Active Bystander Challenge:
Challenge yourself to be the one who stops and acts, rather than leaving it to someone else. The next time you witness a bystander effect, make a pact to be the person who steps up. Imagine a hidden camera recording your actions, with your family watching you as you take responsibility.
Example:
While walking down a busy street, you see someone struggling with their shopping bags, and instead of walking past, you stop to offer a hand. The moment you help them; you realise how much better you feel for stepping in even if they decline.
The Close the Loop Challenge:
This challenge is about breaking the cycle of inaction by taking the first small step towards a larger goal. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, start with one manageable task that moves you forward. Whether it’s starting a new project, setting up the first part of a plan, or making an initial decision, the aim is to close the first “loop” of hesitation and begin creating momentum.
Example:
James Smith talks a lot about dating in his book. He suggests starting with small actions to build confidence, like smiling at 10 people you find attractive. Once comfortable, move to saying hello, then asking how they’re doing, and eventually inviting them out. This incremental approach not only adjusts goalposts, but also gets the ball rolling, turning inaction into action. It helps you experience daily success without feeling overwhelmed by the bigger end goal.
The Imposter Zone Challenge:
This challenge is about stepping into situations that make you feel uncomfortable or inexperienced, where imposter syndrome tends to arise. By intentionally putting yourself in these environments, you push past self-doubt and create opportunities for personal growth. Embrace the discomfort, knowing that growth comes from pushing through challenges and expanding your comfort zone.
Example:
Finally signing up for a dance class you've always wanted to try but never had the courage to start. For years, you've hesitated, worried about how others might judge your lack of skill or feel like an imposter in a room full of experienced dancers. But by taking that first step—signing up, even when you feel terrified—you're confronting those fears head-on. With each class, the initial discomfort fades, and you begin to see your growth. You’ll realise that by pushing past the insecurity and fear of judgment, you're building confidence and doing something that was once just a distant dream.
Conclusion
In conclusion, How to Be Confident by James Smith offers a practical guide to building self-assurance, with an emphasis on courage, clarity, and taking action. The book reinforces the importance of aligning your actions with your values, rather than relying solely on external sources of confidence. While it may not offer ground-breaking new ideas for those already familiar with self-development, it provides valuable insights for beginners, particularly in reframing challenges as opportunities for growth. Confidence, it seems, is not about perfection but about consistency, courage, and living in alignment with your authentic self. For anyone looking to take actionable steps towards greater self-belief, this book serves as a solid starting point.
"Perhaps those people you think are naturally confident are actually just very well understanding of their values." - James Smith, How to be Confident
Which actionable challenge are you going to try first?
The Active Bystander Challenge
The Close the Loop Challenge
The Imposter Zone Challenge:
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