#A001 - Our Inner Critic

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Are you more patient and caring with others than you are with yourself? Do you give people the benefit of the doubt often, but if you did the exact same thing, it is unforgiveable, foolish and you should have known better? Yep, this is a common theme I've come across lately.

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"You’ve been criticising yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens." – Louise L Hay, You Can Heal Your Life

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In this first MONSW article, we’re diving into something that we all know too well: that voice in our head that seems to have an endless supply of judgments. It’s the voice that tells us we’re not good enough, that we’ve failed, or that we should have done things differently. We all have it, that inner critic that never lets up, always ready to point out our flaws. But what if we tried something different? What if, instead of beating ourselves up, we responded to ourselves with the same compassion we would offer to someone we care about? This article is about exploring that self-criticism—not by adding more judgment, but by trying to understand it, and seeing if there’s room for change.

So why do we do it to ourselves in the first place? Why are we often our harshest critics, holding ourselves to such high standards, and why is it so much harder to be kind to ourselves than to others? It’s one of those questions that doesn’t have an easy answer, but it’s worth asking. Maybe it’s perfectionism, maybe it’s fear of failure, or maybe it’s something deeper—like how we’ve learned to view ourselves through the lens of society’s expectations. Whatever it is, it’s a mindset that shapes the way we move through the world, and it’s time to unpack it. Let’s dive into what’s behind this self-critical thinking, and why it’s so much harder to cut ourselves some slack than it is to do so for others.

Louis L Hay, AI image

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The science behind our self-criticism

One interesting piece of science takes us back to our evolutionary roots. In the past, making a social misstep could’ve meant life or death. Being left out of the group made survival way harder—whether it was finding food, resting, or escaping predators, you were far better off in a group. This made our ancestors second-guess their actions to avoid exclusion (Gilbert & Trower, 1990).

Fast forward to today, and we still have that instinct, but now it’s triggered by less serious stuff. Like the time I spent hours stressing over the perfect Instagram caption. I knew messing it up wouldn’t leave me stranded in the wilderness, but the anxiety I felt was very real. This highlights something important: when we’re in situations like this, our rational brain knows the stakes are low, but our emotional brain feels like they’re sky-high. The emotional brain doesn’t see the difference between real danger and social risks, making even small problems feel huge.

This leads us to the second point backed by science: social pressure and perfectionism. Love it or hate it, we live in a world where most people only show their "winning hands"—and honestly, who can blame them? There aren’t many places where showing your failures is more valuable than showing your successes. The downside is that this creates a ripple effect, making others feel like they’re falling behind, comparing their real, unfiltered selves to a carefully selected highlight reel of others. Research shows that constantly comparing ourselves to those who seem more successful is closely linked to perfectionism and even eating disorders (BMC Public Health, 2024).

In short, our brains are hardwired to respond to social risks in a way that can feel overwhelming, even when the stakes are low. What once kept our ancestors safe now leads to anxiety over things like social media posts or comparisons with others. By recognising that these reactions are deeply rooted in our biology, we can begin to manage them more effectively. With time, we can reshape our reactions to social triggers, responding with greater calm and awareness instead of stress and anxiety.

From monkey to cyborg

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Recognising and calling out our inner critic

Science shows us that being overly critical of ourselves can harm our wellbeing, but where do we go from here? The first step in transforming your relationship with yourself is becoming aware of the inner critic—that persistent, often harsh voice in your head that magnifies flaws and downplays accomplishments. This inner dialogue can feel automatic, running in the background.

Step 1: Identify the Tone of Your Inner Critic

Start by paying attention to the tone and language it uses. Is it belittling, impatient, or dismissive? For example, does it use phrases like:

• “You’ll never be good enough.”

• “How could you make such a stupid mistake?”

• “You’re such a failure.”

These statements are often extreme, unfair, and unhelpful. Once you notice them, you’ve already taken the first step: recognising the critic as separate from your true self.

Step 2: Name the Inner Critic

Giving your inner critic a name or identity helps to externalise it. This might sound strange at first, but it creates a helpful psychological distance between you and the voice. By naming it—perhaps something playful like “Nagatha Christie” or “Indiana Groans”—you can begin to see it as just one part of your mind, not the whole truth.

When the critic shows up, acknowledge it with something like:

• “Thanks for your input, [name], but I’ve got this.”

• “Thanks for checking in, [name], but I’m making this decision for me.

This simple act of naming reduces the critic’s power and reminds you that you can choose how much weight to give its opinions.

Research by (Kross & Ayduk, 2017) highlights the benefits of this technique, known as self-distancing. By mentally stepping back and viewing yourself as an observer, you reduce emotional reactivity and gain clarity. This approach not only helps regulate emotions but also enables you to respond to inner dialogue in a constructive way.

Step 3: Understand the Critic’s Intentions

The inner critic often stems from a desire to protect us, but its harsh methods can be counterproductive. Reframing the critic as a misguided protector, rather than an enemy, helps shift your perspective to a more self-compassionate view.

Instead of battling it, respond with:

• “I see you’re trying to help me avoid embarrassment, but I don’t need to be perfect.”

• “I appreciate your concern, but in order to grow, I must make mistakes.”

In Inside Out 2, Riley’s new emotion, Anxiety, beautifully embodies this concept. Anxiety tries to protect Riley from failure during a hockey try-out by pushing her to fit in, but this overbearing approach causes stress and self-doubt. Recognising Anxiety as a misguided protector, rather than an enemy, helps Riley address her inner dialogue with compassion, guiding it towards more constructive outcomes. Watch the scene here. (Docter, 2024).

Step 4: Challenge and Reframe Negative Thoughts

Once you’ve recognised and named the inner critic, practice challenging its messages. Ask yourself:

1. Is this thought based on facts, or is it an assumption?

2. Would I say this to a friend in the same situation? *

3. What evidence supports or contradicts this thought?

   
   

For instance, if your critic says, “You always mess things up,” counter with evidence: “That’s not true—I handled [specific situation] really well last week.”

* Viewing yourself from a third-person perspective can help remove bias—both negative and positive—by encouraging an objective assessment of your actions. This neutral view allows for clearer, less emotional responses, reducing self-judgement and increasing self-compassion.

Step 5: Replace Criticism with Encouragement

Over time, aim to replace the critic’s voice with a more balanced inner dialogue. You don’t need to force positivity; instead, focus on constructive and compassionate self-talk. For example:

• Replace “I’m terrible at this” with “I’m learning and improving—it’s okay to be a beginner.”

• Swap “I’ll never get it right” for “It’s a challenge, but I’ll figure it out one step at a time.”

By practising these steps consistently, you’ll start to weaken the critic’s influence and build a more supportive, self-compassionate mindset.

Anxiety from Inside Out 2

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Conclusion

In conclusion, the journey to silence our inner critic and embrace self-compassion is not an easy one, but it is incredibly worthwhile. Embracing self-compassion can significantly impact mental health and emotional resilience. Scientific research demonstrates that self-compassion can trigger the release of oxytocin (Neff, Psychology Today, 2012). Oxytocin is a hormone that plays a crucial role in reducing cortisol, the stress hormone, and improving emotional well-being (Heinrichs, Baumgartner, Kirschbaum, & Ehlert, 2003).

By understanding the science behind our self-critical thoughts and recognising the inner critic as a misguided protector, we can begin to reshape our relationship with ourselves. Naming the critic, challenging its messages, and replacing harsh judgments with encouragement are all steps toward a more compassionate mindset. Remember, we are often much harder on ourselves than we would be with others, and it’s time to break free from that cycle. By offering ourselves the same patience, understanding, and forgiveness we so freely give to others, we can start to cultivate a healthier, more supportive inner dialogue.

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Actions

Action 1: Catch Your Inner Critic in Action

📌 Task: For one day, write down every self-critical thought you notice.

📝 Action: At the end of the day, review your list and ask yourself: "Would I say this to a friend?" If not, reword each thought with more kindness.

✅ Outcome: Increased awareness of negative self-talk and a shift towards self-compassion.

🌱 Example: "I realised I often call myself 'lazy,' but I rephrased it to 'I needed a break and I’ll get back to it tomorrow.'"

Action 2: Name & Respond to Your Critic

📌 Task: Give your inner critic a name (e.g., “Nagatha Christie”).

📝 Action: When it shows up, acknowledge it by saying: “Thanks, [name], but I don’t need to be perfect.”

✅ Outcome: Emotional distance from negative thoughts and more control over self-talk.

🌱 Example: "I named my inner critic ‘Miserable Marty,’ and now I calmly dismiss him when he pops up with doubts."

Action 3: Reframe & Replace

📌 Task: Identify one frequent negative thought you have.

📝 Action: Write down at least one fact that contradicts it. For example: “I always mess up” becomes “I handled [specific situation] well last week.”

✅ Outcome: A habit of replacing self-doubt with realistic and supportive thoughts, transforming them into balanced, encouraging statements.

🌱 Example: "I used to think, ‘I’m terrible at presentations,’ but I reminded myself, ‘I’ve successfully delivered several talks with positive feedback.’"

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References

BMC Public Health. (2024, September 10). Mirror, mirror on my screen: Focus on self-presentation on social media is associated with perfectionism and disordered eating among adolescents. Results from the "LifeOnSoMe"-study. Retrieved from National Library of Medicine: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11389274/

Docter, P. (Director). (2024). Inside Out 2 [Motion Picture].

Gilbert, P., & Trower, G. (1990). The evolution and manifestation of social anxiety. In Shyness and embarrassment: Perspectives from social psychology (pp. 144–177). Cambridge University Press.

Heinrichs, M., Baumgartner, T., Kirschbaum, C., & Ehlert, U. (2003, December 15). Social support and oxytocin interact to suppress cortisol and subjective responses to psychosocial stress. Retrieved from Science Direct: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0006322303004657

Kross, E., & Ayduk, Ö. (2017). Self-distancing: Theory, research, and current directions. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 81–136.

Neff, K. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self and Identity.

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18 Jan 2025

Master of None, Stolen Wisdom